my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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