My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
