a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
