She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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