before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
