I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
