Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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