My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
