Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
