Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
