i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
