I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
