New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
