I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
