Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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