i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
