I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
