So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
