What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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