i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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