I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
