I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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