I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
