She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
