I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
