Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
