he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
