Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
