Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
