3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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