I am spending my child support on dildos
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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