The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
