i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
