At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
