It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
