why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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