i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
