and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
