Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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