Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Randomize
