I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
