I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
