happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
