New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
