I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
