he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
