U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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