I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
