I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
