Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
