i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
