I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize