I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
