did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
