I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
