All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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