just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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