Cold hands, warm shart.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
