You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
