You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
