So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
