Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
