You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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