i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
