my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
