theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
